Life throws you some weird circumstance that you and that person your dating need to over come and most of the time, you end up arguing and fighting about it so much that you think to yourself, "wow, we're not even in a relationship yet and we're already fighting this much, why am i here?"
After thinking that, most people come to the decision that they should stop seeing each other and remain "friends" since they didn't have any serious long term commitment in place. At first this sounds just fine and dandy. But wait till they post a picture with someone else or call you "friend" instead of "baby". It's like putting salt on a wound.
That is why i have come to the conclusion that no, you can not be friends with someone you've dated. Let me explain to you why.
See, if you date someone, for longer than a month, you obviously have an interest in and them see something you really like. It takes about a week at the MOST to figure out if you are attracted and want to keep seeing someone. If you have been seeing them for more than a month, thats when feelings get involved. I don't care what you say, everyone has a heart and finds SOMETHING they like about the other person, thus attaching themselves to it and learning to relate to them through some kind of activity both like to do or just something simple like shows they like to quote together. Long explanation short, you get feelings.
Once you have feelings, you can NOT be friends with that person. Maybe in time, when you have a new love interest and as do they, but as long as you both don't, it's always weird to leave things at, "lets be friends."
I then thought about what the definition of a "friend" was. And im sorry, but a friend is one who i can talk with, laugh with, go cry to and one who is there for me at my time of need. Someone you used to date would just think that was weird..
Why can't people just be blunt when ending things. "Look, you're great and all, but you're not great for me, if i happen to see you around, i'll say hi like a normal person and you should to". Don't over complicate things by trying to be "friends". We all know how that shit ends.
I agree about dating, but when you have been married it can be different. I was with my first partner for about twelve years. We have so much history together that it is nearly impossible to just walk away. When her grandmother died she called me to be her "date" at the funeral even though I am married to someone else. I was happy to go. Her family had become my family through those years. I still have two dogs we adopted together. They are getting older and one recently had a cancer scare. I called her.
ReplyDeleteThe real issue is how long you were together. If you were together long enough to have a life together it is easier to find a way to be friends after you split. It just makes sense. I want to see "our" nephews graduate from high school because I was there when they were born. That said there was a reason we split up. We are not best friends, we are important friends. I don't want to see her everyday, but I would be heartbroken if something important happened in her life and she didn't call. And she feels the same.
I've had two truly serious relationships. Not as long as Toni's, but long enough. The first one I was with two years and we had an apartment together. We tried to be friends at first after things ended, but it was too hard for me to be around him, and then a lot of drama happened. It's been long enough that I no longer hurt about him, but I want nothing to do with him. The second serious relationship ended this summer. Pauly and I didn't talk a lot at first, and when we did see each other it was painful. Now I've started dating someone else, and I've been seeing Paul more. He really came through for me this week. He gave me a ride home from work after the car was stolen, bought me dinner & helped me file the police report. When the car was found, I had a yoga class to teach so he went out & got it for me. We didn't work out as boyfriend & girlfriend, but he has definitely become one of my important friends.
ReplyDeleteRelationships are complex and personal things. I feel as though different dynamics exist within each individual relationship and cannot be generalized. While, yes, often times being friends afterwards is frustrating and confusing, othertimes it goes off without a glitch. I have only ever had one real relationship in my life and it was pretty brief. It lasted about 4 months before I broke it off. Even now, though, I feel a certain responsibility for my ex. I make sure to talk to him at least once every couple months and make sure everything is going okay, ask about his family, and just catch up. Even with such a short relationship, there is and always will be a history between the two of us. Why let go of someone you still care about?
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